We’re absolutely word class at it.
There are other things we’re great at of course. Despite what Israel says (and don’t forget they claim the land they live on is theirs so they’re not the most credible source), we gave the world Hummus. We’re fantastic at bullshitting. The women are exquisite. We’ve got a never dying spirit and have risen like a phoenix more times than Lazarus.
But there’s nothing we can do better than showing off. There’s not a single pastime we master or excel at as much as that. We’re innovative and meticulous, relentless and shameless.
We’re the only country in the world where having a sexy phone number seriously impresses people (got one by the way). A 4 digit number plate ditto (got one too). And don’t get me started on our consumer habits… We change our phones and cars regularly, spend fortunes on clothes, food and drink.
As I was once told: Lebanese people buy stuff they don’t need with money they don’t have to impress people they don’t know.
Here’s a list of the more subtle tricks which truly puts us on another showing off pedestal compared to the rest of the world. To all the foreigners coming to Beirut, learn these by heart.
1) The phone trick: I love this one. The trick is to be with a person somewhere and have your phone ring. Press yes on the phone, ignore the caller and CONTINUE the conversation with the person you’re with. Let the caller listen to your conversation for at least 4 seconds until you say hello. This gives the person calling you the impression you’re extremely busy and important. Doesn’t fail to impress and, more importantly, boost your ego (it sucks when the person calling you dialed the wrong number mind).
2) The “he’s my friend” trick: Whenever there’s a conversation about going out somewhere exclusive, claim you’re friends with the owner and can book a table any time people want. Being friends with the owner can mean anything from: “I’ve met him once” to “I shook his hand a couple of years ago” to even “he’s a friend of my cousin’s girlfriend’s mate”. No need to tell anyone this though. Just state loudly that you can get a table.
3) The “I’m with friends” trick: When someone asks you what you’re up to, tell them you’re with friends. Don’t mention any names. Just say friends. Even if they’re mutual friends. Or the cousin of the guy calling you. Or his best friend. Say friends. This gives the impression you have a wide circle of connections and know mysterious people the other person doesn’t. Frustrates your counterpart but greatly boosts your ego.
4) The “I’m having fun” trick: Wherever you are (beach, club, restaurant, bar, college) and however bored you may be… You must be seen to be having an absolutely fantastic time by every single person in the place. Laugh wildly, gesticulate franticly, high five everyone, take lots of photos and steal evil glances at other tables. Crack jokes with the waiters and call them (loudly) by their first names. Hug and kiss the valet drivers who, preferably, would have parked your car just in front of the place for all to see. Tell everyone the next day of how much of a cool night it was.
5) The “too cool to drive” trick: Never have more than one hand on the wheel. The other one can be out of the window (preferably while holding a cigarette), on the shift, on your partner’s thigh… But for ultimate effect it should be holding the phone you’re talking into. Even if you have no one to talk to. Pretend you’re talking. But put your phone on silent. I once saw someone’s phone ring while he was speaking to a phantom person. Poor chap.
Takes years of counseling to get over that in Beirut…
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