All Great People are Fat

All great people are fat.

And I’m not talking just your average, run of the mill, great. But proper greats. They’re all fat.

I noticed it a few years ago when I gained 20 kilos in 18 months. I don’t know whether my sudden ballooning contributed to my enlightenment, or if it was just a coincidence. I was munching on a cheeseburger at the time and that’s when it hit me

The top people in every walk of life, the crème de la crème, the icons, the legends, the main men, all those that left their mark on history and the people we look up to all have one startling similarity: they’re all fat.

Don’t believe me? Well let’s break it down for you.

Of the 3 people that united to fight Hitler, 2 were fat: Churchill could barely walk across the room without catching his breath and Stalin had at least 10kg to lose. Yet, they fought the biggest “evil” power of the 20^th century (who was ridiculously thin by the way) and won. It’s no shock to me that the thinnest one of the 3, FDR, passed away before he could claim victory.

The most famous secretary of state the US ever bestowed on the world, Henry Kissinger, was fat. One of the main men in the French revolution, Danton, loved his croissants. Fidel Castro was always portly. And he was propped up by the laughingly fat head of the Soviet Union at the time, Nikolai Kryuchkov.

The most populated country’s most famous leader was fat. In a country where we’re told everyone’s thin, and no one’s got enough to eat, Mao ruled China for decades. He was huge. I’ve been repeatedly told that all they eat there is rice and soup but you take one look a Mao and you know that’s completely ridiculous. He must have been having sweet and sour fried pork in his sleep.

In the Arab world, the most famous leader we had was Abdul Nasser. He wasn’t huge, but he was certainly not thin. If he’d live in our times he’d be advised to cut down on his carbs.

 In Lebanon, the 2 people that have had the most impact on the political scene since the civil war look like the greatly enjoy our hummus.

Rafik Hariri was proper fat. No chance you’d see him in the gym. He had a huge impact in Lebanon. His son, however, has had difficulty matching his accomplishments. Some people blame it on his lack of experience and international factors; I blame it on his weight. He’ll be see the light when he reads this blog an then it’s upward and onwards for him.

Sayed Hassan Nassrallah’s accomplishments speak for themselves. No one’s stood up to Israel like him, but then again no one’s had his waistline. It’s one of my biggest regrets he’s such a devout Muslim because he’d make such a perfect Santa Claus. (On a side note, Nassrallah is only getting fatter. What the hell is going on? I thought he was living underground, jumping from one bunker to another. I’m as admiring of Hezbollah’s accomplishments’ as the next man but surely they haven’t built underground Hardees and KFC have they?? Somebody explain this to me!)

And that’s just politics!  And I haven’t even mentioned that the world’s only superpower have a huge obesity problem. Well, they call it a problem, but I’m sure that successive US presidents have encouraged people to keep eating. They know it's the true path to greatness.

Let’s move on to other aspects of life (and before any smart ass wants to mention Mandela, he doesn’t count. South Africans did everything to keep him thin, going as far as putting him in jail for 27 years. I’m sure Nelson was chubby as a kid though…)

Diego Armando Maradona, the best footballer of all time, was stocky as a player, dangerously obese as a retired coke addict and endearingly chubby as a manager. The best boxer of all time, Muhammad Ali, was chunky and had to fight baby fat his entire career.

Even the great managers are fat! The last one to win the world cup, Vicente Del Bosque, was big to say the least. The only man ever to win 3 European cups, Bob Paisley, loved his fish and chips.

The best movie in all time, in my view, is “The Godfather”. There’s a holy trinity that made that film: Mario Puzo who wrote the book, Francis Ford Coppola who directed the film and Marlon Brando who made Don Corleone come to life. Those 3 have one single thing in common: they don’t wear skinny jeans.

The best or most famous TV presenter in the history of the USA is Oprah Winfrey. I don’t need to add anything apart from the fact that ratings came down for the show every time she’d lose weight. It’s the real reason behind her weight swings. The network was on her arse the minute she got thin.

In music, Jim Morrison looked like a bleached whale by the time he died. BB King and Louis Armstrong both auditioned for the part of the orca in Free Willy.  The best opera singer of all time, Luciano Pavarotti, was immense. He could block the sun out. The King of Rock and Roll, Elvis, loved his food more than his music. Ok, so the Beatles weren’t fat, but they were Liverpudlians. They already had the good genes.

I could go on and on but I’ll just give you one more example because I’m getting hungry.

Who’s the richest man in the world? If you said that scrawny geek Bill Gates, go back to the start of the article. You’ve obviously not paid attention.

It is of course, this man, the wonderfully ironically named Carlos Slim.

 

Just look at his chin. Sorry, chins. The salad hating Slim's' wealth is estimated at a whopping $63 billion. Basically, a billion for every jeans size.

So the moral of this story is, don’t believe the hype. Don’t let advertisers say you need to be thin to be happy, to be accepted. Don’t let movies teach you that fat people are there to become the first victims of a serial killer. Don’t buy your parents’ line that you need to study to be successful. Nope. That’s all bollocks.

Eat, eat, eat, eat, eat and then eat again.

It’s the path to greatness.

Comments

[pap]

so why are you on diet then???

[Account Deleted]

Mmmm... is that so... so u mean that someday we shall expect you to be famous as well? lets stay friends lakkan in case you're a famous smthg... :)

[The Tim in Beirut]

I disagree.

http://wagingnonviolence.org/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/gandhi-and-crowd.jpg

Legend

http://www.articlesweb.org/blog/wp-content/gallery/mick-jagger-a-true-icon/mick-jagger-a-true-icon-7.jpg

Legend

http://news.bbc.co.uk/media/images/41727000/jpg/_41727998_petercrouch_1416pa.jpg

Ok so I am scraping the bottom of the barrel a bit now but you get the point.

Skinny rules.

[Dimmy B]

More to the point, both you and I have racked our collective brains and we haven't managed to find one great person from Oz. Why is that my burger dodging friend?

[Dimmy B]

Da, my level of greatness can become tiring! And Tyls, is right!