Or rather, people on Facebook.
At the risk of sounding like an absolute twat, let me share something with you.
A few months ago, I went on a rampage on Facebook. I’d realized that I hated using that site because my timeline was clogged with photos and comments of people that, deep down, I could not care less about.
I’m not unique in this. Most of us, certainly at the start, added people left, right and center. Facebook was new and fresh and I hadn’t thought about filtering.
There was, of course, also a competitive edge to it. Much like the US/USSR arms race, you were rushing to add friends because you noticed other people were blowing you out of the water. I used to compete with an ex girlfriend about how many comments we’d get on our birthday for example. I hated getting messages and not wall posts as they didn’t count.
It was all tongue in cheek of course, and I certainly didn’t take it that seriously. But somehow or another, after a certain time, I’d accumulated a whole lot of people on my friend list that I didn’t care about, liked but was not interested in knowing so much of or, sometimes, quite frankly, didn’t like at all.
So I went on a cull. It was like the Killing Fields. I summoned up my inner Hitler and spent a couple of hours deleting a bunch of people. It was purge unseen in the Middle East for decades. I was judge, juror and executioner all at once.
It felt great. It was also very entertaining.I called myself the Butcher of Beirut. I’d talk to myself as I judged each “friend” on his or her’s own personal merit. Comments ranged from “Sorry pal, you don’t add value” to “No chance habibi, you’re out” to “Yeah, you’re a good boy you, don’t fret”or "What are you worrying about? You know I'm your number 1 fan".
It was the modern equivalent of throwing Christians to the lions in Roman times.
I kept eradicating unwanted elements off my friend list until I reached the stage where I felt pretty comfortable with the amount of people left. Now, I visit the site without getting pissed off at seeing the latest pictures of a guy I met once, or the latest musings on Gossip Girl of the best friend of girl I dated years ago.
But there are still a bunch of things that piss me off about how people use that site. In no particular order, here are the top 5:
1) People who “like” their own comment or status: It’s even worse when no one else comments, though at least it becomes funny then. Seriously, what is the point of this? What sane person does this? How does this translate itself to normal life? Have you ever heard a person, in the middle of a conversation, say something and then add “You know what, I really like what I said there. Loved my comment, thought it was great.”?
2) People who change their marital status instantly: And I mean instantly. Like at the altar. The minute the vows are done. When they’re with all the people from their friends list that they actually care about. It’s like changing your marital status on Facebook has become one of the great added values of getting hitched. Back in the day, little girls used to dream of the wedding dress, the reception, the honeymoon. Today they dream of changing their status to “married to…”. It’s a worrying trend.
3) Endless friend requests from the same person: The Facebook equivalent of the cold call. Now, I’ve done some cold calling in my time and you sort of notice after a few tries whether the person is interested or not. I’m all for persevering, but after a dozen tries if the person still hasn’t accepted you, moving on is probably a good option.
4) Women whose info says are interested in women: But are not really interested in women. Quite frankly, it’s unbelievably annoying. Will somebody please think of us men? We’ve got enough dirty thought to last us a lifetime, we frankly don’t need you to waste our mental energy. (On a side note, I once stumbled onto one of my ex girlfriends profile and she said she was interested in women. Don’t know what that says about my performance levels, but there you go…).
5) People that put their wrong birthdays to protect their privacy: And then tell you it’s not their birthday when you congratulate them. Smugly. You do know you can just hide it right? What’s the point then? And why do you have your real name smartass?
Those are the main ones, but I’m sure I’ve got other bug bears I can’t think about now. All in all, Facebook is great though. I’m definitely a fan. It’s allowed me to stay in touch with people I wouldn’t have otherwise, spy on girls I haven’t met yet but decided I have a future with and put me in touch with a bunch of people who share the same passions as I do.
And most importantly, it’s allowed me to play out my deepest tyrannical fantasies.
hahaha..
i read this just after i added you on fb. :D
greetings from indonesia, i enjoyed reading your blog.
Posted by: reza | 10/03/2012 at 07:36 PM